We just need to communicate better.
I hear some version of this from almost every couple that comes to me. Usually it comes early in the conversation, when I ask what brings them in.
And it makes sense. Communication sounds like the obvious answer to relationship problems. But communication has become such a broad term that it can mean almost anything. And sometimes it doesn't tell us very much about what is actually happening.
Some couples communicate plenty.
They talk about the kids. They talk about money. They talk about work. They talk about what happened during the day. They discuss who is going to pick up dinner and who forgot to make the appointment and whether or not they are going to their parents' house this weekend, and maybe why they don't want to.
They may even talk about their relationship, sometimes.
The problem is what happens when the conversation becomes difficult, or goes off the rails. That's where "communication" tends to become the issue.
One partner brings up something that's bothering them. The other hears criticism and becomes defensive. The first feels dismissed and pushes harder. The second withdraws. The first sees the withdrawal as proof that their partner doesn't care, so they push harder still.
Now both people are responding to each other's responses. No one is really listening, and nothing positive follows.
It's less a matter of communicating more and more a matter of listening. Just listening. Understanding. Acknowledging.
This is one reason couples have the same argument over and over. They may think they are arguing about dishes, money, sex, parenting, or time together. But underneath the particular subject, they have developed a familiar pattern of conflict: I talk, trying to persuade or convince you. Then you talk, trying to persuade or convince me. And we go back and forth, getting nowhere.
Here's what needs to happen instead...
Stop assuming you know what your partner means
We are remarkably good at filling in the blanks.
My wife says, “You never help around here,” and what I hear is, “You're a terrible husband.”
My husband says, “I don't want to talk about this right now,” and I hear, “What I think or feel doesn't matter.”
Maybe that is what the other person means. But maybe it isn't.
We tend to listen through the filter of everything that has happened before. A sentence that might be relatively neutral coming from someone else can sound very different when it comes from the most important person in our life, especially when we've had the same argument dozens of times.
We need to stop assuming what our partner means. A little curiosity can help. Sometimes the most useful question is simply, “What did you mean by that?”
And then we should actually listen to the answer, with an open mind. Maybe the story we are creating in our mind isn't accurate.
Learn to tolerate difficult emotions
This one is harder.
Sometimes the problem isn't that we don't know how to communicate. We may even know exactly what we want to say.
The problem is that once the conversation becomes uncomfortable, we can't stay in it. We get angry. We become defensive. We shut down. We leave the room. We start explaining why our partner is wrong to think or feel what they are thinking or feeling. That's a recipe for conflict.
When that happens, the conversation becomes a contest to see who can feel less vulnerable. Or even hurt the other more.
Good communication requires more than knowing the right words. It requires enough emotional regulation to remain present when you don't like what you are hearing.
If you can do that, more power to you. If you can't, that's okay, too. Those unpleasant emotions are temporary. We need to learn to ride them out, to feel them, to let them be there, without acting on them.
Make a request instead of a criticism
There is a big difference between telling your partner what they are doing wrong and telling them what is meaningful to you when they do it.
“You never make time for me” is a complaint, and it's pretty easy to hear it as an attack. But “It would mean a lot to me if we had one night a week just for us” gives your partner something they can actually respond to.
This doesn't mean you have to sugarcoat everything. Sometimes your partner really is doing something that needs to change. But criticism tends to put people in the position of defending themselves, and that's where communication starts to spiral. A clear request for positive change gives them the opportunity to understand what you want and decide what they can do about it.
"It would mean a lot to me if..."
"I would feel [positive emotion] if... Could you do that for me?"
The next time you want to complain, see if you can turn the complaint into a positive request.
Ask what the argument means
This may be the most important question of all.
Couples can spend an enormous amount of energy arguing about what happened. Who said what, in what order, in response to whom. Who started it. Who threw the first stone. Who is right.
Those things matter, sometimes. Because sometimes we screw up.
But sometimes the more important question is what the situation means to each person. How they felt. How they interpreted what happened.
Forgetting to call sometimes isn't really about a phone call. Maybe it means, “You don't care about me.”
The argument about money might not be about money. Maybe it means, “I don't feel like an equal partner.”
Maybe the argument about sex isn't really about how often you're having sex. Maybe it means, “I don't feel desired.”
Once you understand what the argument represents, you may finally be having the conversation you needed to have in the first place.
So when a couple tells me they need to communicate better, I don't disagree. I just want to know what they mean by that. Because sometimes they do need better communication skills. And other times they need to slow down enough to hear each other. And sometimes they need to learn how to make a request, take a break, or manage the emotions that show up when a difficult subject comes up, without sounding so critical or negative.
And sometimes, frankly, they communicate plenty. They just do it poorly.
That's something we can work on.
Learning to do it differently can change a lot more than the conversation.