Lately, it feels as if the whole country is emotionally flooded.
Conversations escalate quickly. People talk past each other. Certainty leaves no room for curiosity. The goal shifts from understanding to winning. We interrupt. We defend. We attack.
In my office, I see this pattern every week, but on a smaller scale. Two people who care about each other deeply, sitting a few feet apart, unable to hear what the other is saying. Not because they don’t want to. Because their nervous systems are on fire.
When we are flooded, we lose access to our best capacities. Listening narrows. Nuance disappears. Everything feels urgent and personal. The body prepares for combat, not connection.
This is not a character flaw. It’s biology.
Gottman research calls this emotional flooding. CBT would point to a rapid, unexamined interplay of thought and emotion driving behavior. Mindfulness notices the breath getting shallow, the jaw tightening. Solution-Focused therapy asks a quiet but important question: What would be different if this moment went just a little better?
The work in couples counseling often begins here, with slowing the moment down enough to stay present.
I often ask couples to pause mid-conflict. To notice what is happening inside rather than what is wrong with the other person.
Heart rate.
Heat in the chest.
The story the mind is telling.
This alone can be the beginning of change.
Imagine if we did this collectively.
What if we treated disagreement not as an enemy, but as a signal to slow down? What if we assumed there was something meaningful under the other person’s position, even if we strongly disagreed with their behavior? What if curiosity came first, not as a tactic, but as a desire to understand?
In couples work, we practice turning toward. A willingness to stay engaged without needing to dominate or withdraw. Turning toward does not mean agreement. It means presence.
Another core skill is learning to speak from experience rather than accusation.
Not: “You always…”
But: “When I hear that, I experience a feeling of ...”
This shift reduces defensiveness. It invites listening. It opens space.
This country, like many couples, is stuck in a cycle. Interpretation. Reaction. Counter-reaction. Escalation. Everyone feels unheard. Everyone feels justified. The cycle feeds itself.
Couples counseling doesn’t eliminate conflict. It teaches people how to stay human despite it.
We work on repair. Small moments of accountability, humor, softness. Acknowledging impact even when intent was different. Repair is not weakness. It’s what allows relationships to survive stress.
We also work on values. What kind of partner do you want to be when things are hard? Not when it’s easy. Not when you’re calm. When you’re activated.
That question matters beyond the therapy room.
Mindfulness teaches us that we don’t have to act on every thought or emotion. There can be a pause. A breath. A choice. The space between stimulus and response is where dignity lives.
Solution-Focused work reminds us to envision a better way. Moments when we do listen. When conversations go better than expected. When respect shows up despite disagreement. Those moments are not accidents. They are co-created.
I’m not suggesting that couples counseling can solve political polarization. Or systemic injustice. Or history.
But I do think we are suffering from a collective loss of relational skills.
We’ve forgotten how to stay regulated while hearing something uncomfortable.
How to ask questions we don’t already know the answers to.
How to remain connected without collapsing or hardening.
In couples counseling, progress is often quiet. Slower speech. Softer eyes. Longer pauses. Fewer absolute statements. More willingness to say, “Help me understand.”
It’s not dramatic. It’s not miraculous.
But it works.
And when it works, people don’t just resolve a conflict. They grow closer. They remember that beneath their attacks and defenses, there is another human being trying to make sense of the world.
This country doesn’t needs fewer arguments, and better conversations.
And better nervous systems inside those conversations.
That’s couples counseling.
And it has a ripple effect.